This post isn’t about makeup or a fun DIY. Let’s say its a get to know me…. I’ve started many blogs in the past and would end up deleting them within a day or just never publish anything. Why? maybe because I was afraid no one would read a post and also because I have social anxiety.
I have suffered from anxiety/panic disorder since I was 13. It’s a struggle everyday that’s internal. Many don’t understand it or really believe that it’s a problem. Some see it as a way to receive attention, immaturity, laziness, a loner, etc. . Unless, you are like me and know exactly what it feels like than no one could ever really understand this secret pain we are in. Anxiety doesn’t just affect you mentally/emotionally. It takes a physical and painful hold on to your life. I’m in a constant battle with my mind over what’s rational and what is not. I’m not crazy, I don’t hear voices or see things that aren’t there. But, I live in fear of people and of course myself. I can look at those 2 things and turn up my nose and think this is absolutely insane. I shouldn’t be like this. Than you ask why don’t you change it. If there was a way I could turn my brain off from a constant merry go round of negative internal comments, past negative experiences, and the constant questioning of the what ifs in life… maybe I could start some where. Unfortunately, I haven’t reached that point yet.
So, I’m out here trying to fight this inner battle alone. Family and friends may lend their hand in support but ultimately this is all up to me. Imagine being in a pool full of sharks, and you have an anchor around your neck. You’re just trending water in hopes u can stay afloat. But sharks don’t wait to attack, they can swim up and bite you at any given moment as can panic attacks.
Some people may have triggers that could send them into a state of panic. I have several but most of the time my panic sets in before I can even identify one. My panic attacks vary from sobbing uncontrollably ,extreme anger or to physically hurting myself ( this does not mean suicidal) . Sometimes all 3 can happen. Why do I do this? If I had that answer I wouldn’t be this way. It’s not from lack of being loved, drug abuse, demonic possession (which some will chalk it up to) or strength. If I wasn’t strong I wouldn’t be here still trying to fight this out.
I go out in public even though I rather be hiding under blankets in my bed. I have friends, and before my anxiety had reached the point of crippling I even had a job. Anyone can see me at any given day and look at me and say she’s fine. The smile I wear, the outgoing funny personality I own and the make up I use to cover up are all a mask. In fact I’m more naked in these words I’m sharing with you, than I am when I am bare skinned. But, my anxiety will still come thru just you may not notice it. I fidget a lot, move my leg up and down, play with my hair, break out into a rash… I could go on forever in ways I try to distract myself just to deal with every day life.
I’m not a writer so please forgive spelling and structural errors. I’ve written this after a panic attack and needed a way to share my inner self in hopes that you could understand. I’m not crazy, this is real, I’m trying, and it’s painful.
I don’t need comments or uplifting words… Maybe just to let someone know they aren’t alone in their feelings and its ok. Don’t give up, and try to see that some where there is a rainbow after a storm.